Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Why to Date Homeless People: Hey Pretty Lady. . .

Unlike most people in Los Angeles, I actually do a fair amount of walking. This means, of course, that I also pass by more than my share of homeless people. The homeless usually get a bad rap (they smell bad, they're lazy, you're a little scared they might try to kill you. . .), but some of them are actually quite nice. While they may not be listed on OkCupid or JDate, perhaps these vagabonds and vagrants are the hidden jewels of the Los Angeles single scene. Let me explain:

1. How many times have you heard people complain about their significant other not complimenting them enough? "I can't believe he didn't notice my haircut!" Homeless people hand out compliments like it's their job - probably because it IS their (unpaid) full-time job. Whether it's a "damn, you're pretty," "I wish I could get my legs to look that good," or a simple whistle and kissy face, you will always know you look hot!*

2. You'll never have to drive to their place - they'll always come to you! No need to buy an extra toothbrush or worry about forgetting your contact solution. When choosing between a soft warm bed and the parking lot behind El Pollo Loco, you will win every time. No contest.

3. You can feel confident that there is only a very minimal chance of rejection - let's be real; they're homeless, they don't really have a lot of options.

4. Tired of staying home on Friday nights? Looking to meet new people at a party? It's always a party when you count all of the friends in your homeless person's head!

5. They know where to get all of the free deals. Short on cash for dinner? Well, do you like soup? Want some free entertainment? Go play chess at the doughnut shop! Need to spice things up? Go to the library and watch porn together! (That's what libraries are for, right?)

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "man, this seems so one-sided! I don't want to feel like I'm just using my homeless person." I completely understand your concern, but there are many things you can do for them in return. You can provide a shower, a bed, and a place to store their shopping cart overnight without being scared that all of their bottles and cans will get stolen. Everybody wins!

Cautions: Until this hip new trend catches on, you will have a wide selection of derelicts and drifters, so choose wisely. Avoid the screamers, as they are extremely difficult to take to a movie. I would also recommend avoiding fat homeless people because 1. They can't be THAT poor and 2. Fat is never the new black. Sorry, fat people.

I never want to hear any of you complaining about being single ever again, because the man or woman of your dreams is currently sitting on a street corner or busy intersection near you. . . collecting money for you to share a romantic pocket flask of . . . well, we don't know what it is, but it's something strong.

Dating the homeless is the new black.
*Quotes represent actual compliments from homeless people.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

3 Simple Steps to the Perfect New-Black Break-Up*

Tired of your drama-ful break-ups? Ready to get back out on the town and stop wasting your hot years with someone you couldn't imagine spending the rest of your life with? Then these simple steps are for you!

*Disclaimer: These are great steps for the dumper. I have very little advice for the dumpee, as I suck at that hardcore.

1. Don't do it until you are 100% sure. Relationships VERY rarely bounce back from a break-up, and definitely not to its original level (the once exception I've seen is break-ups due to long distances). It's physics, man. Imagine dropping a bouncy ball. The second bounce is always smaller than the first bounce, and the third even smaller, until eventually the ball stops bouncing altogether. I usually wait about a month from when I've started thinking about ending it until actually giving someone the big heave-ho. As you start to become a little more distant, this cool-off time gives the dumpee the added bonus of slowly getting used to the idea of being single again. When you do finally cut the cord, it won't be a total shock and you can both move on much quicker.

2. Don't give specific reasons for the break-up. I read this in an article in Cosmopolitan when I was some age where I was too young to really be reading Cosmopolitan, but it always stuck with me as something that made a lot of sense. If you give specific reasons, the dumpee is likely to come back promising to fix those reasons that thinking that everything will be a-okay. The is problematic because 1) Most people are not very good at changing themselves, and b) Most of the time, even if they do fix those tweaks, you're still not going to be interested in them. That being said, I'm not advocating for no reasons at all - just keep them kind of general. "I just don't feel like our personalities are matching up," or, "it's just not that fun anymore" are both good standbys (again, this is also easier after the cool-off period, because they will probably agree with you). Or there's always, "I think I'm gay." That worked pretty well for me once.

3. Don't talk to them afterwards. No seriously, exes shouldn't be friends. At least not right away. It's not natural. Give it a few months (or years). Even if they text you, it is not your responsibility to make them feel better. Hopefully your ex has friends, and those people can do the consoling. No talking. Just don't do it.

Don't be like Dawson and Joey. Move on.* Following these three simple steps can lead to a drama-free new single life, which is always the new black.

*Okay, I know, I know, they both eventually moved on (including Joey with PACEY?? What?? Who saw THAT coming? Craziness). It's just such a great picture of James Van Der Beek crying. If I've learned anything from Ke$ha, it's that making fun of James Van Der Beek is definitely the new black.