She's Got Legs... She Knows How To Use Them...

In my humble opinion, Carrie Underwood has the sexy legs in music today.  They are clearly the star of this performance.  But seriously, why is everyone dressed like a stripper this year?  I’m not talking about Carrie clearly, because strippers don’t wear skorts.  Well, no one really wears skorts anymore, but Carrie is making it work.

I had to go back and re-listen to the song again.  It didn’t grab be right away- but Carrie’s songs tend to be growers rather than showers for me.  And it’s about a douchebag, so of course we like that.  Well played Carrie Underwood!

OMG it’s Gaga time!

Don't Call It Come Back- OK, Call It That If You Want...

Thanks bitches for all of the emails and text messages about how much you love my blogging.  You know, there are comment boxes all over this thing so you can just say things there if you’re not shy.

I almost thought we were going to see Rihanna’s boobies for a minute in that intro!  And how fierce is that straight jacket she is wearing? And fire! And lasers!  And more lasers coming out of her straight jacket! Oh wait, I forgot to listen to the song!  I think Rihanna did too because it looks like her in-ear fell out.  I don’t think that I’m in love with this new come-back rock and roll Rihanna but entertaining never the less.  Good work, Rihanna.

Anyone know if that neck tattoo is new?

Just Plain Wrong

Why did the Black Eyed Peas get that lead in?  It seemed kind of unnecessary.

I am pretty much willing to forgive the fact that Fergie can’t really sing live because her Trashy Lingerie get up is so fabulous.  Seriously, Janet lip-synced, you can too- it’s fine- no one gives a shit. And you would at least sound decent. 

And those dancing robots were about to save the day until you broke out into “Smells like teen spirit.”  I really hope they don’t have DirectTV in rockstar heaven because if Kurt Cobain could see tranny, Will.I.Am with a keytar and a random Asian guy named Apple doing a choreographed dance with robots to his masterpiece it might send him over the edge.  Shame on you Black Eyed Peas.

I'm going to start drinking now.

I guess it's been about 5 years since we got a random NYC tribute at an awards show...

I’m pissed that Taylor Swift wasn’t there to accept her award.  She is one of my reasons for living.

Alicia Keys and Jay Z singing “New York” with New York, New York” intro with an additional intro from A-Rod?  People from NYC always forget that the rest of the world pretty much hates them- boos for A-Rod!  I’ve only heard this song once before but it sounds like Jay is just rapidly listing a bunch of nouns and places related to New York.  And the crowd goes wild!  I don’t really get it but it’s kinda catchy and Alicia Keys boobs look great in that jacket. Well played Jay Z.

Nap time at the AMAs

Other than the fact that Keith Urban is wearing a shirt that I am pretty sure that I own from Hurley’s tween girls line I have nothing to say about that either. 

Now on to Kelly Clarkson,  she’s way to young to be wearing Liz Taylor’s hand-me-downs.

I appreciate the super classy feel to her performance and the fact that she brought a string section in formal wear, but this is the AMAs, not the Grammys.  This show is the opposite of class, make it fun.  Kelly, did you see how bored Carrie Underwood looked? And she’s supposed to be your friend.  Fail, Kelly Clarkson.

More AMA Magic!

Daughtry was so boring I don’t have anything to say about that…

Something seems to be seriously wrong in the mix with Shakira’s performance which makes me think that she’s going to live to track and that there might actually be microphone on somewhere on stage.  I’m shocked. 

She’s so tiny and adorable and always humping the air for no apparent reason.  I know that she’s moved on to her second single for this album but it seems almost criminal for her to perform on live television and not do her shewolf howl.  Kudos on the choreography though, it always looks better when other people are humping the air in unison with you.  Well played Shakira!

and the 2009 AMA for oddest sweatpants goes to...

Ew Janet Jackson, I can't even focus on your lip synced medley and recycled choreography because I am too busy trying to figure out if you have depends on underneath those baggy ass sweatpants.  That’s the only possible reason someone would wear those janky sweatpants in public, yet alone on national television.

OK, I did enjoy the recycled S&M routine to “If”… but who wouldn’t? 

Also,  I'm not going to bother talking about the "winners" tonight since it's all such a scam.  Nominees are based on sales numbers- which we all know has nothing to do with how good music is... then to make it worse they let the general public vote- and we all know that the general public generally makes poor decisions.

The 2009 AMAs

At the urging of my mother I am going to blog a lot and eventually become a millionaire.  Tonight I am going to attempt to live blog the 2009 AMAs.  Full disclosure, I used to work for the company that produces this fan voted monster of an awards show and I worked the show last year.  

I'm not sure if the ABC pre-show is just local this year.  I would really hope so because no one outside of LA will know who the fuck George Pennaccio is. Last year the show was hosted by a Pussycat Doll, Carrie Ann Inaba and Christian Siriano. That's a pretty steep fall. Eeeks.

Epic Fail Casting Director!

There is nothing that ruins the telling of an otherwise perfectly good story other than poor casting. And no show fails more in this area than TLC’s I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT.

Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the casting of much more attractive versions of the white trash fucks that don’t know they are pregnant for the reenactments . Especially when they cut the actual peoples narrations in right before to the actor reenactments and it’s so painfully obvious how much better looking they are… priceless. So good job Casting Director because no one wants to look at white trash fucks but epic fail on your casting of the babies!

Have you seen these babies! They are like six months old! Like I am really supposed to believe that she didn’t know she was pregnant with that twelve pounder? I mean, when Andrea Zuckerman was on 90210 we were willing to overlook the fact that she was a 45 years because she had a ten year story arc, but for a 15 minute TLC segment we need to play it age appropriate.

These babies do not look premature. They do not look like it’s a matter of life or death if they wrap them in a blanket immediately. They don’t even look that pissed off they are laying on filthy bathroom floors. They are all rosy cheeked and doe eyed. Maybe it isn’t the Casting Directors fault though…

Lay off the milk for a couple of days babies. Take some acting classes.

Really NEW MOON? Really?

I just emerged from the Cinerama Dome at the Arclight from quite possibly the worst movie ever made. As Seth and Amy would say… Wow. Really New Moon? Really?

Excuse my grammar, I’m worked up.

First of all, it’s just criminal to have a vampire movie without ANY sex. Everyone knows that vampires are sexy. I think there were about a million “almost” kisses in NEW MOON. So you’re expecting me to believe that we live in a world where teenagers are stupid and impulsive enough to go see a terrible movie ten times in one weekend but they are somehow smart enough to control all of their sexual urges? Fuck that, those vampires would be going at it.

My biggest problem with the film was the AMAZING SLOW pace of the dialog. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT! Especially not teenagers, regardless of the fact if they are 109 years old or werewolves. We seriously need Lorelei Gilmore to join the next installment of Twilight at pick up the fucking pace. It’s as if the director said, count to 4 in between each sentence. I imagine the script looks like this:

SCENE ONE:

Int: Creepy old Growth Forest that no one seems to be afraid that is designated for epically important conversations because we all know you can’t have those in your living room or anything

Bella: Edward

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella I love you

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella Edward

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella I can’t live without you.

By the time this scene is over your popcorn is gone and you’re totally bored.

On to the werewolves! Who made the executive decision that werewolves wore a uniform of fucking JORTS and sneakers? That person needs to be banned from Hollywood immediately if not sooner. Would regular jeans be any less believable? Did anyone see where the jorts went when they shifted? Do werewolves buy jorts in bulk? Some of the worst oversights I have ever seen. Not excusable!

I also have a lot to say about having the heroine choose to be with a vampire that looks like a long lost member of the Libertines who just woke up from a three week heroin haze over the nice guy werewolf or, I dunno, maybe she could just date a human? What is this teaching the young teenagers of today? Go with the pale, skinny, drug addicted looking dude! Good decision!

Oh wow, and the ending! Really? Just because you’re a fucking vampire it doesn’t make it not white trash to get married when you’re a teenager. And get a fucking ring. I haven’t read the books but I am hoping that the whole marriage thing is away to make it OK for these teenage vampires to have lots of sex since they were written by a Mormon and all that needs to happen.

How do millions of people like this crap?