Fail, Oprah!

Oprah is really starting to piss me off. I mean we only have one and a half seasons of Oprah left and she is wasting my time with Tim McGraw and Alicia Keys performing a duet on some Christmas song? 

I mean if I only had a year and half to stop the apocalypse, I would not waste a minute of my time or energy on Andrea Bocelli (unless of course she miraculously cures his blindness).  Even Pilot “Sully” Sullenburger is more interesting than this shit.  C’mon Oprah, step it up a notch.  Your public wants to see shows about meth/sex/food addicts,

really obese people, really skinny people that used to be obese, people with HORRIBLE genetic deformities and celebrities that fall into any of these categories.  Also, quit teasing us! When is Anderson Cooper going to come out on Friday Live!?!

Step it up Oprah.

Modern Classics

Sometimes I forget about the “classics.”  And because I was born in the 80s, my definition is probably different that most people's.  I have a few that I can watch repeatedly and not get sick of them (WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, GONE WITH THE WIND, VAN WILDER, HEATHERS); random, I know.  But, DAZED AND CONFUSED is inarguably a classic.  Besides the fact that the movie has pretty much no plot and very minor character development, you can’t argue with its genius.

Any movie that made the phrase, “Wipe that face off your head, bitch,” famous is something that needs to be shared with generations of the future. Just sayin’

If it wasn’t a part of your teenage years, go get a sixer and give it another chance. It’s On Demand on HBO.

And get the soundtrack! And add the the phrase "Lick me, all of you!" to your normal vocabulary.

xoxo, LT

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all

This is the first year in many that I haven’t been “home” for Thanksgiving.  Since I haven’t been worried about cooking, shopping, or cranberry molds, I totally forgot about the whole day before Thanksgiving supermarket rush.  Well I went to Gelsons to get a birthday card for my dear friend Gina late Wednesday afternoon and obviously the parking lot was a clusterfuck.  I was CLEARLY the first person waiting for a parking spot and when I pulled in it some dude actually waited for me to get out of the car to call me a “fucking cunt” before speeding off.   Obviously, he was in a truck.
Happy fucking holidays.

Google me!

So you will notice that there are now google ads on my site. This is how I am going to become an Internet millionaire as opposed to just an internet sensation like I am now.  So from my very limited understanding of how this shit works a magical google elf reads my blog and put up what ads he thinks people would like based on my content. He also knows all of my innermost thoughts and insecurities, which is why earlier today there were two ads for mini skirts for plus size women.

Well dear readers- and there have been over 100 of you today (unless my mom has been here 100 times today which is entirely possible)!!! Since it’s illegal for me to tell you to click on the ads I am going to have to update my posting with key words that will tip the elf off to sites you might actually click on.  I think I know my reader base pretty well since you’re either my mom or a facebook/twitter follower. So here goes:

Weight loss without effort

Buy prescription drugs online

Celebrity sex tapes

Bearded hipster dudes

Jenny Lewis naked

Outpatient rehab

Ok, let’s see if this works!

And the Winner Is.... Adam Lambert for Everything!

Since I have “insider” knowledge.  I know that award shows are more likely to lose valuable viewers during rock performances.  Which makes Green Days placement in the show totally odd.  In fact, I’m not totally sure why they are performing at all.  This song is so over played.  Fast forward.

Lovely, Taylor Swift is the Artist of the Year!  All is right in the world!  Now let that poor girl go to bed!

Yes, Adam Lambert!  I think I love him even if I have never actually heard is music.  Is it just me or did all of the artist calls each other and coordinate their outfits.  Everyone is wearing something black, silver or gold. There is all sorts of shiny going on tonight and everyone seems to be trying to look “tough.”  I am pretty sure Adam and Rihanna have the same stylist tonight.  Nice spikes kids.

OK, back to Adam’s performance.  What do we call this genre of music? Show-pop maybe?  This song is going to be on repeat in my gay gym so I better get used it.  It’s pretty catchy.

Oh gay bondage! More strippers! He just literally came out of a closet on stage.  What did he just do to that strippers’s vagina?  He tried to like tug it off.  Odd. Possibly symbolic.  And they totally cut the back up dancer giving him a fake BJ- gee thanks ABC.  C’mon nothing worse than what I would be seeing on Desperate Housewives tonight.  Oh wow- he just kissed a boy and liked it.

I mean, in three minutes he just managed to alienate most of his American Idol fan base, but what a fun romp that was.

Oh thank god this shit is over.  My drinking partner and I need to go sip away the pain.

Two More Down!

Ha, it’s like the camera crew at the AMAs is trying to point out what a douche Eminem is.  Long shots of his middle aged Jewish keyboard player and white guys in the audience dancing poorly.  Lovesit.

Does Eminem really need a hype man?  Bongos? 2 keyboard players? Because it pretty much just sounds like you’re rapping over a CD?  Also, clean up your language because ALL of the audio cuts out for us lowly home viewers everytime you say #%*&.  Have you been hanging out with Sophia Vergara backstage?

Is it cold in their Fiddy?  What’s up your puffy vest?  Whitney was sweating balls, take it off!  Oh wait, you left.  You’re embarrassed of Eminem too.

Oh wow, Timbaland already.  And Vampires! And Nelly Furtado! And some other chick that I totally thought was Nelly Furtado until actually Nelly came on stage. These vampires are stealing all their dance moves from Zombies.

Ok, this is a totally catchy little hip-pop vampire themed song.  I don’t remember it from the New Moon soundtrack but maybe I missed something.  Way to get the Twi-hards to pay attention Timb!

It's Almost Over!

It was nice of Lady Gaga to let so many people borrow her old dresses for the AMAs.  I’m talking about you Leona Lewis!

Alicia’s voice sounds a little tired on this performance, but I think she is trying to be sexy and breathy.  I also was starting to worry that Gaga put them over budget on sets of something because Alicia got stuck with this crappy faux brick wall but now that she’s playing piano in the sky it all makes a little more sense.  This shit seriously needs to pick-up before I fall asleep. 

PS that piano kinda makes your ass look big. Yawn, Alicia Keys, you bore me.

I heard that Adam Lambert is going to fellate someone on stage so at least I have that to look forward to…

I'm Starting to Fade...

OK, so I saw Whitney’s comeback episode of Oprah where did a little monologue about how great this song was and how it tells her story and whatnot.  I mean, she didn’t actually write it or anything but that’s not the point.  I think R Kelly actually wrote it,  which is just kind of sick and wrong.

Also, her voice is just not as good as it used to be.  I guess that coke and pot have adverse affects on your vocal chords.  Just say no kids.  Fail Whitney, we’re underwhelmed.

Don't Be Fooled By The Loubs That She Got!

I don’t get Mary J Blige either, so for the sake of me catching up with my tivo I just skipped that shit. 

J-Lo is going with a boxing themed performance, still managed to get two girls dressed like strippers on the stage.  Not gonna lie, I kinda like butch J-Lo.  It’s makes me forget that she’s a total fucking diva and singing a song about $700 shoes.

Her lace shorts get up is beyond tragic, but I guess if your going to be walking on a pyramid of male models you don’t want them looking up your skirt.  And the lace over the flesh-colored fabric is never good. As they say, you can take the girl out of Queens…

Ooooh wait! Wardrobe change!  I think she just put on a pair of actual Loubs and one of Lady Gaga’s VMA dresses.  Thank god she had all of those gays on stage to get her out of that get-up! Much better.  Nicely done Jenny from the Block!

I Just Don't Get It

OMG Gaga, is there a less flattering way to look naked.  What’s up with all of your panty lines?  I am assuming that that strappy thing on your thighs is to hold you mic, but ew yuck.  Good work on the not actually trying to sing while busting out those dance moves.

Is anyone else starting to see her shit this as a really high budget version of Williamsburg performance art?  I guess PBR cans don’t smash the same way Johnny Black bottles do.  I mean spitting fire out of piano to the tune of her chorus?  Shoot me now.  You fail me Gaga.