Tuesday, May 10, 2011

3 Simple Steps to the Perfect New-Black Break-Up*

Tired of your drama-ful break-ups? Ready to get back out on the town and stop wasting your hot years with someone you couldn't imagine spending the rest of your life with? Then these simple steps are for you!

*Disclaimer: These are great steps for the dumper. I have very little advice for the dumpee, as I suck at that hardcore.

1. Don't do it until you are 100% sure. Relationships VERY rarely bounce back from a break-up, and definitely not to its original level (the once exception I've seen is break-ups due to long distances). It's physics, man. Imagine dropping a bouncy ball. The second bounce is always smaller than the first bounce, and the third even smaller, until eventually the ball stops bouncing altogether. I usually wait about a month from when I've started thinking about ending it until actually giving someone the big heave-ho. As you start to become a little more distant, this cool-off time gives the dumpee the added bonus of slowly getting used to the idea of being single again. When you do finally cut the cord, it won't be a total shock and you can both move on much quicker.

2. Don't give specific reasons for the break-up. I read this in an article in Cosmopolitan when I was some age where I was too young to really be reading Cosmopolitan, but it always stuck with me as something that made a lot of sense. If you give specific reasons, the dumpee is likely to come back promising to fix those reasons that thinking that everything will be a-okay. The is problematic because 1) Most people are not very good at changing themselves, and b) Most of the time, even if they do fix those tweaks, you're still not going to be interested in them. That being said, I'm not advocating for no reasons at all - just keep them kind of general. "I just don't feel like our personalities are matching up," or, "it's just not that fun anymore" are both good standbys (again, this is also easier after the cool-off period, because they will probably agree with you). Or there's always, "I think I'm gay." That worked pretty well for me once.

3. Don't talk to them afterwards. No seriously, exes shouldn't be friends. At least not right away. It's not natural. Give it a few months (or years). Even if they text you, it is not your responsibility to make them feel better. Hopefully your ex has friends, and those people can do the consoling. No talking. Just don't do it.

Don't be like Dawson and Joey. Move on.* Following these three simple steps can lead to a drama-free new single life, which is always the new black.

*Okay, I know, I know, they both eventually moved on (including Joey with PACEY?? What?? Who saw THAT coming? Craziness). It's just such a great picture of James Van Der Beek crying. If I've learned anything from Ke$ha, it's that making fun of James Van Der Beek is definitely the new black.