Monday, November 30, 2009

Fail, Oprah!

Oprah is really starting to piss me off. I mean we only have one and a half seasons of Oprah left and she is wasting my time with Tim McGraw and Alicia Keys performing a duet on some Christmas song? 

I mean if I only had a year and half to stop the apocalypse, I would not waste a minute of my time or energy on Andrea Bocelli (unless of course she miraculously cures his blindness).  Even Pilot “Sully” Sullenburger is more interesting than this shit.  C’mon Oprah, step it up a notch.  Your public wants to see shows about meth/sex/food addicts,
really obese people, really skinny people that used to be obese, people with HORRIBLE genetic deformities and celebrities that fall into any of these categories.  Also, quit teasing us! When is Anderson Cooper going to come out on Friday Live!?!

Step it up Oprah.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Modern Classics

Sometimes I forget about the “classics.”  And because I was born in the 80s, my definition is probably different that most people's.  I have a few that I can watch repeatedly and not get sick of them (WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, GONE WITH THE WIND, VAN WILDER, HEATHERS); random, I know.  But, DAZED AND CONFUSED is inarguably a classic.  Besides the fact that the movie has pretty much no plot and very minor character development, you can’t argue with its genius.

Any movie that made the phrase, “Wipe that face off your head, bitch,” famous is something that needs to be shared with generations of the future. Just sayin’

If it wasn’t a part of your teenage years, go get a sixer and give it another chance. It’s On Demand on HBO.

And get the soundtrack! And add the the phrase "Lick me, all of you!" to your normal vocabulary.

xoxo, LT

Monday, November 23, 2009

Google me!

So you will notice that there are now google ads on my site. This is how I am going to become an Internet millionaire as opposed to just an internet sensation like I am now.  So from my very limited understanding of how this shit works a magical google elf reads my blog and put up what ads he thinks people would like based on my content. He also knows all of my innermost thoughts and insecurities, which is why earlier today there were two ads for mini skirts for plus size women.

Well dear readers- and there have been over 100 of you today (unless my mom has been here 100 times today which is entirely possible)!!! Since it’s illegal for me to tell you to click on the ads I am going to have to update my posting with key words that will tip the elf off to sites you might actually click on.  I think I know my reader base pretty well since you’re either my mom or a facebook/twitter follower. So here goes:

Weight loss without effort
Buy prescription drugs online
Celebrity sex tapes
Bearded hipster dudes
Jenny Lewis naked
Outpatient rehab

Ok, let’s see if this works!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

And the Winner Is.... Adam Lambert for Everything!

Since I have “insider” knowledge.  I know that award shows are more likely to lose valuable viewers during rock performances.  Which makes Green Days placement in the show totally odd.  In fact, I’m not totally sure why they are performing at all.  This song is so over played.  Fast forward.

Lovely, Taylor Swift is the Artist of the Year!  All is right in the world!  Now let that poor girl go to bed!

Yes, Adam Lambert!  I think I love him even if I have never actually heard is music.  Is it just me or did all of the artist calls each other and coordinate their outfits.  Everyone is wearing something black, silver or gold. There is all sorts of shiny going on tonight and everyone seems to be trying to look “tough.”  I am pretty sure Adam and Rihanna have the same stylist tonight.  Nice spikes kids.

OK, back to Adam’s performance.  What do we call this genre of music? Show-pop maybe?  This song is going to be on repeat in my gay gym so I better get used it.  It’s pretty catchy.

Oh gay bondage! More strippers! He just literally came out of a closet on stage.  What did he just do to that strippers’s vagina?  He tried to like tug it off.  Odd. Possibly symbolic.  And they totally cut the back up dancer giving him a fake BJ- gee thanks ABC.  C’mon nothing worse than what I would be seeing on Desperate Housewives tonight.  Oh wow- he just kissed a boy and liked it.

I mean, in three minutes he just managed to alienate most of his American Idol fan base, but what a fun romp that was.

Oh thank god this shit is over.  My drinking partner and I need to go sip away the pain.

Two More Down!

Ha, it’s like the camera crew at the AMAs is trying to point out what a douche Eminem is.  Long shots of his middle aged Jewish keyboard player and white guys in the audience dancing poorly.  Lovesit.

Does Eminem really need a hype man?  Bongos? 2 keyboard players? Because it pretty much just sounds like you’re rapping over a CD?  Also, clean up your language because ALL of the audio cuts out for us lowly home viewers everytime you say #%*&.  Have you been hanging out with Sophia Vergara backstage?

Is it cold in their Fiddy?  What’s up your puffy vest?  Whitney was sweating balls, take it off!  Oh wait, you left.  You’re embarrassed of Eminem too.

Oh wow, Timbaland already.  And Vampires! And Nelly Furtado! And some other chick that I totally thought was Nelly Furtado until actually Nelly came on stage. These vampires are stealing all their dance moves from Zombies.

Ok, this is a totally catchy little hip-pop vampire themed song.  I don’t remember it from the New Moon soundtrack but maybe I missed something.  Way to get the Twi-hards to pay attention Timb!

It's Almost Over!

It was nice of Lady Gaga to let so many people borrow her old dresses for the AMAs.  I’m talking about you Leona Lewis!

Alicia’s voice sounds a little tired on this performance, but I think she is trying to be sexy and breathy.  I also was starting to worry that Gaga put them over budget on sets of something because Alicia got stuck with this crappy faux brick wall but now that she’s playing piano in the sky it all makes a little more sense.  This shit seriously needs to pick-up before I fall asleep. 

PS that piano kinda makes your ass look big. Yawn, Alicia Keys, you bore me.

I heard that Adam Lambert is going to fellate someone on stage so at least I have that to look forward to…

I'm Starting to Fade...

OK, so I saw Whitney’s comeback episode of Oprah where did a little monologue about how great this song was and how it tells her story and whatnot.  I mean, she didn’t actually write it or anything but that’s not the point.  I think R Kelly actually wrote it,  which is just kind of sick and wrong.

Also, her voice is just not as good as it used to be.  I guess that coke and pot have adverse affects on your vocal chords.  Just say no kids.  Fail Whitney, we’re underwhelmed.

Don't Be Fooled By The Loubs That She Got!

I don’t get Mary J Blige either, so for the sake of me catching up with my tivo I just skipped that shit. 

J-Lo is going with a boxing themed performance, still managed to get two girls dressed like strippers on the stage.  Not gonna lie, I kinda like butch J-Lo.  It’s makes me forget that she’s a total fucking diva and singing a song about $700 shoes.

Her lace shorts get up is beyond tragic, but I guess if your going to be walking on a pyramid of male models you don’t want them looking up your skirt.  And the lace over the flesh-colored fabric is never good. As they say, you can take the girl out of Queens…

Ooooh wait! Wardrobe change!  I think she just put on a pair of actual Loubs and one of Lady Gaga’s VMA dresses.  Thank god she had all of those gays on stage to get her out of that get-up! Much better.  Nicely done Jenny from the Block!

I Just Don't Get It

OMG Gaga, is there a less flattering way to look naked.  What’s up with all of your panty lines?  I am assuming that that strappy thing on your thighs is to hold you mic, but ew yuck.  Good work on the not actually trying to sing while busting out those dance moves.

Is anyone else starting to see her shit this as a really high budget version of Williamsburg performance art?  I guess PBR cans don’t smash the same way Johnny Black bottles do.  I mean spitting fire out of piano to the tune of her chorus?  Shoot me now.  You fail me Gaga.

She's Got Legs... She Knows How To Use Them...

In my humble opinion, Carrie Underwood has the sexy legs in music today.  They are clearly the star of this performance.  But seriously, why is everyone dressed like a stripper this year?  I’m not talking about Carrie clearly, because strippers don’t wear skorts.  Well, no one really wears skorts anymore, but Carrie is making it work.

I had to go back and re-listen to the song again.  It didn’t grab be right away- but Carrie’s songs tend to be growers rather than showers for me.  And it’s about a douchebag, so of course we like that.  Well played Carrie Underwood!

OMG it’s Gaga time!

Don't Call It Come Back- OK, Call It That If You Want...

Thanks bitches for all of the emails and text messages about how much you love my blogging.  You know, there are comment boxes all over this thing so you can just say things there if you’re not shy.

I almost thought we were going to see Rihanna’s boobies for a minute in that intro!  And how fierce is that straight jacket she is wearing? And fire! And lasers!  And more lasers coming out of her straight jacket! Oh wait, I forgot to listen to the song!  I think Rihanna did too because it looks like her in-ear fell out.  I don’t think that I’m in love with this new come-back rock and roll Rihanna but entertaining never the less.  Good work, Rihanna.

Anyone know if that neck tattoo is new?

Just Plain Wrong

Why did the Black Eyed Peas get that lead in?  It seemed kind of unnecessary.

I am pretty much willing to forgive the fact that Fergie can’t really sing live because her Trashy Lingerie get up is so fabulous.  Seriously, Janet lip-synced, you can too- it’s fine- no one gives a shit. And you would at least sound decent. 

And those dancing robots were about to save the day until you broke out into “Smells like teen spirit.”  I really hope they don’t have DirectTV in rockstar heaven because if Kurt Cobain could see tranny, Will.I.Am with a keytar and a random Asian guy named Apple doing a choreographed dance with robots to his masterpiece it might send him over the edge.  Shame on you Black Eyed Peas.

I'm going to start drinking now.

I guess it's been about 5 years since we got a random NYC tribute at an awards show...

I’m pissed that Taylor Swift wasn’t there to accept her award.  She is one of my reasons for living.

Alicia Keys and Jay Z singing “New York” with New York, New York” intro with an additional intro from A-Rod?  People from NYC always forget that the rest of the world pretty much hates them- boos for A-Rod!  I’ve only heard this song once before but it sounds like Jay is just rapidly listing a bunch of nouns and places related to New York.  And the crowd goes wild!  I don’t really get it but it’s kinda catchy and Alicia Keys boobs look great in that jacket. Well played Jay Z.

Nap time at the AMAs

Other than the fact that Keith Urban is wearing a shirt that I am pretty sure that I own from Hurley’s tween girls line I have nothing to say about that either. 

Now on to Kelly Clarkson,  she’s way to young to be wearing Liz Taylor’s hand-me-downs.

I appreciate the super classy feel to her performance and the fact that she brought a string section in formal wear, but this is the AMAs, not the Grammys.  This show is the opposite of class, make it fun.  Kelly, did you see how bored Carrie Underwood looked? And she’s supposed to be your friend.  Fail, Kelly Clarkson.

More AMA Magic!

Daughtry was so boring I don’t have anything to say about that…

Something seems to be seriously wrong in the mix with Shakira’s performance which makes me think that she’s going to live to track and that there might actually be microphone on somewhere on stage.  I’m shocked. 

She’s so tiny and adorable and always humping the air for no apparent reason.  I know that she’s moved on to her second single for this album but it seems almost criminal for her to perform on live television and not do her shewolf howl.  Kudos on the choreography though, it always looks better when other people are humping the air in unison with you.  Well played Shakira!

and the 2009 AMA for oddest sweatpants goes to...

Ew Janet Jackson, I can't even focus on your lip synced medley and recycled choreography because I am too busy trying to figure out if you have depends on underneath those baggy ass sweatpants.  That’s the only possible reason someone would wear those janky sweatpants in public, yet alone on national television.

OK, I did enjoy the recycled S&M routine to “If”… but who wouldn’t? 

Also,  I'm not going to bother talking about the "winners" tonight since it's all such a scam.  Nominees are based on sales numbers- which we all know has nothing to do with how good music is... then to make it worse they let the general public vote- and we all know that the general public generally makes poor decisions.

The 2009 AMAs

At the urging of my mother I am going to blog a lot and eventually become a millionaire.  Tonight I am going to attempt to live blog the 2009 AMAs.  Full disclosure, I used to work for the company that produces this fan voted monster of an awards show and I worked the show last year.  

I'm not sure if the ABC pre-show is just local this year.  I would really hope so because no one outside of LA will know who the fuck George Pennaccio is. Last year the show was hosted by a Pussycat Doll, Carrie Ann Inaba and Christian Siriano. That's a pretty steep fall. Eeeks.

Epic Fail Casting Director!

There is nothing that ruins the telling of an otherwise perfectly good story other than poor casting. And no show fails more in this area than TLC’s I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT.

Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the casting of much more attractive versions of the white trash fucks that don’t know they are pregnant for the reenactments . Especially when they cut the actual peoples narrations in right before to the actor reenactments and it’s so painfully obvious how much better looking they are… priceless. So good job Casting Director because no one wants to look at white trash fucks but epic fail on your casting of the babies!

Have you seen these babies! They are like six months old! Like I am really supposed to believe that she didn’t know she was pregnant with that twelve pounder? I mean, when Andrea Zuckerman was on 90210 we were willing to overlook the fact that she was a 45 years because she had a ten year story arc, but for a 15 minute TLC segment we need to play it age appropriate.

These babies do not look premature. They do not look like it’s a matter of life or death if they wrap them in a blanket immediately. They don’t even look that pissed off they are laying on filthy bathroom floors. They are all rosy cheeked and doe eyed. Maybe it isn’t the Casting Directors fault though…

Lay off the milk for a couple of days babies. Take some acting classes.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Really NEW MOON? Really?

I just emerged from the Cinerama Dome at the Arclight from quite possibly the worst movie ever made. As Seth and Amy would say… Wow. Really New Moon? Really?

Excuse my grammar, I’m worked up.

First of all, it’s just criminal to have a vampire movie without ANY sex. Everyone knows that vampires are sexy. I think there were about a million “almost” kisses in NEW MOON. So you’re expecting me to believe that we live in a world where teenagers are stupid and impulsive enough to go see a terrible movie ten times in one weekend but they are somehow smart enough to control all of their sexual urges? Fuck that, those vampires would be going at it.

My biggest problem with the film was the AMAZING SLOW pace of the dialog. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT! Especially not teenagers, regardless of the fact if they are 109 years old or werewolves. We seriously need Lorelei Gilmore to join the next installment of Twilight at pick up the fucking pace. It’s as if the director said, count to 4 in between each sentence. I imagine the script looks like this:


Int: Creepy old Growth Forest that no one seems to be afraid that is designated for epically important conversations because we all know you can’t have those in your living room or anything

Bella: Edward

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella I love you

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella Edward

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella I can’t live without you.

By the time this scene is over your popcorn is gone and you’re totally bored.

On to the werewolves! Who made the executive decision that werewolves wore a uniform of fucking JORTS and sneakers? That person needs to be banned from Hollywood immediately if not sooner. Would regular jeans be any less believable? Did anyone see where the jorts went when they shifted? Do werewolves buy jorts in bulk? Some of the worst oversights I have ever seen. Not excusable!

I also have a lot to say about having the heroine choose to be with a vampire that looks like a long lost member of the Libertines who just woke up from a three week heroin haze over the nice guy werewolf or, I dunno, maybe she could just date a human? What is this teaching the young teenagers of today? Go with the pale, skinny, drug addicted looking dude! Good decision!

Oh wow, and the ending! Really? Just because you’re a fucking vampire it doesn’t make it not white trash to get married when you’re a teenager. And get a fucking ring. I haven’t read the books but I am hoping that the whole marriage thing is away to make it OK for these teenage vampires to have lots of sex since they were written by a Mormon and all that needs to happen.

How do millions of people like this crap?