Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Ex Marks the G-spot…

I recently hooked up with one of my ex’s and I’ve realized it’s kind of like seeing a comedy routine twice. You know the jokes already but they’re comforting in a way. And although you’d never admit in a public forum that you were so desperate for a laugh you went back for a reprise, you know you’re at least guaranteed a chuckle or two.
Anyway the whole thing got me thinking about ex’s…. thankfully, this particular guy is pretty sane, but what if I was dealing with a nutso? Sure I’ve had my share of crazy, but being the sneaky ginger devil that I am, I’m not going to disclose anything about myself … so I’ll tell you about my friends.

Rather than bore you with endless anecdotes of all the crazy ex’s I’ve been hearing about over the last couple days, I’ll just list the best of the best (insert image of me with raised eyebrow and judgmental smirk at pretty much every item).

1) Picking a fight with a mailbox (guess who won and guess who ended up in a beak-like cast for two months?)
2) Ignoring the break-up completely, moving in, and keying new girlfriend’s car.
3) Unfastening the stitching of his dress pants ever-so-slightly so that eventually, his ass will ‘bottom out’ (hopefully during a very important meeting).
4) Urinating in her Brita Water Filter.
5) Take a picture of his desktop wallpaper, set it as the desktop wallpaper, and watch hilarity ensue as he furiously tries to click on icons with no result. (Actually way more satisfying than it sounds.)
6) Sleeping with the mom/dad. (Surprisingly not as satisfying as it sounds.)
7) Diluting his tea with extra-strength laxatives.
8) Vomiting in her closet.
9) Claim an STD but “that’s all I’m telling you.
And the most crazy thing I’ve ever heard an ex do....
10) Go to Haiti to be an Aid Worker. (She was an actress.)

After hearing all these ridiculous acts of violence, hilarity, and sheer brilliance, I cuddled up happy in the knowledge that my ex is normal, sane, and willing and able to go for a roll in the hay without any baggage.
Yup, I really am lucky that him and I are able to share such a productive relationship even though we didn’t work out as a couple. And if he ever does let me out of this basement, I’ll be sure to take this up with his wife.

Dear ex’s, you’re the new black.

1 comment:

  1. Can you please tell me which one you're referring to in a phone conversation very soon?