So part of my pre-Coachella “diet and exercise” plan includes a daily run/walk situation which basically consist of me huffing and puffing around Los Feliz or Silverlake in awkward sweatpants whilst listening to decidedly un-Los Feliz/Silverlake music. Just imagine a large-assed girl shuffling around the neighborhood in white, gatherered, capri sweatpants slowly jogging and being unable to resist throwing a hand in the air when Beyonce says, “if you liked it, then you should put a ring on it,” even though no one else can hear the music coming from her purple nano. Yeah, that’s me. Pretty embarrassing, but whatevs, not as embarrassing as being a fat girl at Coachella.
So as I am jogging around today and spacing the fuck out who do I bump into but A REALLY SEXY VAMPIRE!!! OMFG! No, not an actual vampire, but someone to plays one either film or television. I even got a head nod as I shuffled by the sexy vampire as he walked his dog! Then I got another one when I waddled by the sexy vampire on the return part of my loop. So this is what I know:
- A sexy vampire lives in my neighborhood (because who drives to another neighborhood to walk their dog unless there is a park or something)
- Said sexy vampire is neighborly (though I do not plan on inviting him into my house because we all know that’s terrible idea)
- Where the sexy vampire lives within about a quarter square mile (Shout out to google maps for making stalking easier!)
I’m not going to name names, because I plan to actually stalk this person and don’t want there to be direct evidence on the internet. If you’re a lawyer and reading this, let me know what needs to be more vague here.
I cannot wait to go jogging in full hair and make up tomorrow!
Having a sexy vampire for a neighbor is the new black.