Saturday, November 21, 2009

Really NEW MOON? Really?

I just emerged from the Cinerama Dome at the Arclight from quite possibly the worst movie ever made. As Seth and Amy would say… Wow. Really New Moon? Really?

Excuse my grammar, I’m worked up.

First of all, it’s just criminal to have a vampire movie without ANY sex. Everyone knows that vampires are sexy. I think there were about a million “almost” kisses in NEW MOON. So you’re expecting me to believe that we live in a world where teenagers are stupid and impulsive enough to go see a terrible movie ten times in one weekend but they are somehow smart enough to control all of their sexual urges? Fuck that, those vampires would be going at it.

My biggest problem with the film was the AMAZING SLOW pace of the dialog. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT! Especially not teenagers, regardless of the fact if they are 109 years old or werewolves. We seriously need Lorelei Gilmore to join the next installment of Twilight at pick up the fucking pace. It’s as if the director said, count to 4 in between each sentence. I imagine the script looks like this:


Int: Creepy old Growth Forest that no one seems to be afraid that is designated for epically important conversations because we all know you can’t have those in your living room or anything

Bella: Edward

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella I love you

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella Edward

Bella (internally) A thousand one, a thousand two, a thousand three, a thousand four

Bella I can’t live without you.

By the time this scene is over your popcorn is gone and you’re totally bored.

On to the werewolves! Who made the executive decision that werewolves wore a uniform of fucking JORTS and sneakers? That person needs to be banned from Hollywood immediately if not sooner. Would regular jeans be any less believable? Did anyone see where the jorts went when they shifted? Do werewolves buy jorts in bulk? Some of the worst oversights I have ever seen. Not excusable!

I also have a lot to say about having the heroine choose to be with a vampire that looks like a long lost member of the Libertines who just woke up from a three week heroin haze over the nice guy werewolf or, I dunno, maybe she could just date a human? What is this teaching the young teenagers of today? Go with the pale, skinny, drug addicted looking dude! Good decision!

Oh wow, and the ending! Really? Just because you’re a fucking vampire it doesn’t make it not white trash to get married when you’re a teenager. And get a fucking ring. I haven’t read the books but I am hoping that the whole marriage thing is away to make it OK for these teenage vampires to have lots of sex since they were written by a Mormon and all that needs to happen.

How do millions of people like this crap?


  1. So you're telling me that I should not spend $10 to see it in the theater? "New Moon" was my least favorite of all four books. I'll still rent it on DVD though.

  2. you cannot review this movie if you havent read the books. You have to compare and contrast!!!
    And yes sex will be coming your way be patient. Its all about the delayed gratification.